I Am Gray
Stefan Sencerz
October 6, 2024
I have no hope
My attitude
old trash drifting in still waters
a drab gravel road leading nowhere
sand sifting through numb fingers
poppy seeds counted when you try
yet are unable to fall asleep
No anticipation, no expectations, no hope
for expectations open the doors
to hope and I am gray
I do not wish to have hope
Some think I am cold ice
perhaps they saw me
only from a distance
only for a moment or two
never really touched me
for when you take me in your hand
I do not feel like ice at all but more
like ashes from a long-extinguished fire
mixed with melting early Autumn snow
Some think I am smooth‑jazz
I must admit, an apt and witty comparison
even if a bit insulting
for, indeed, there is something boring
in so called “smooth jazz” and there is
something boring in gray, too
surely, I’m not a rill of golden hues
from Fats Navaro’s trumpet
nor am I weaver of burnished muted
long notes from Miles’s horn
but I am not a pretty line of Kenny G, either
prettiness attracts attention
and I am plain and distant as distant
from the sun as the Earth
covered by thick clouds at dusk
I am Gray, you would notice me
only through the contrast with the light
Sometimes Blue sends raindrops my way
splat... splat... splat... splatting
on the surface of my windows
yet never getting in
never really reaching me
“How are you, Gray? Are you sad?”
I hear and
close the shades
lock the house
for I wish no guests
a telephone ring might
put me in a state of panic
I listen to rain
but I do not feel it on my skin
outdoors is way too challenging
stream and pond too distant to walk
(Besides, there is always what if
what if I open up, try to look
deeply into the waters
and yet only find mud?)
So, I hear songs of birds
but do not hear the melody
I see the birds fly away
vanishing behind the line of horizon
yet I do not try to follow them
For there is a hope in a birds’ flight
they carry with them many Springs
Yet there is no hope in me I am Gray
I watch the world through the rainy windows
drifting away with a distant blues from the Delta
Stefan Sencerz, born in in Warsaw, Poland, came to the United States to study philosophy and Zen Buddhism. He teaches philosophy, Western and Eastern, at Texas A&M University, Corpus Christi. His essays appeared in professional philosophy journals (mostly in the areas of animal ethics and metaethics) and his poems and short stories appeared in literary journals. Stefan has been active on the spoken-word scene winning the slam-masters poetry slam in conjunction with the National Poetry Slam in Madison Wisconsin, in 2008, as well as several poetry slams in San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Chicago.
