Among the Numbered

ANTOINETTE F. WINSTEAD

May 26, 2020

for Helen Carr b.1960 d.2020

I was not afraid,

not before today

when what had seemed impossible

that thing that happened to others

happened to someone I knew

someone I loved — cherished. 

And it was no longer someone else’s problem

talked about in the abstract

all those numbers.

For one of the numbers is you.

You are numbered in those thousands

daily counted as the lost among us

and now I understand the loss

the pain suffered by those

unable to comfort the bereaved

to share their grief and tears

with each other — together.

And I am so afraid

this will not end

and death will find its way

one by one to more I love

until at last it stands at my door

to be let in.  And what then,

when no lock can bar its entry?

Will I succumb or be counted

amongst the survivors?

I do not know what would be worse

of the choices —

to live

to die.

But should I be the last

of all my beloved,

I will welcome death

for to live would be unbearable.

A profession, poet, playwright, director, and actor, ANTOINETTE F. WINSTEAD teaches film and theater courses at Our Lady of the Lake University, where she also serves as the Associate Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences and the Program Head for the Mass Communication and Drama programs.